UNDER CONSTRUCTION:
A library of articles to help you deal with marital affairs, mid-life crisis, teen drug use, school problems and more!
ADDRESSING JEALOUSY/TRUST ISSUES
Sexual intimacy is obviously an important component of any romantic relationship. Naturally, any facet of a relationship that has assumed such a place of importance is bound to be the focus of problems. And it is. The plethora of books and articles written about sexuality speaks to both the increasing emphasis placed on it in relationships, and the fact that people have a great deal of concern about their sex lives.
In this chapter, we will examine the two most common sexually related difficulties we see in our practices. The first problem to be addressed does not have its basis in the bedroom. It is an issue we call jealousy/trust. Many books about sex have been criticized as how-to manuals due to their focus on the mechanics of sex. However, key aspects of couples' sex lives have little to do with what happens in bed. Quality and quantity of communication, mutual respect, and feelings of emotional safety and trust have much more of an impact on most people's levels of sexual intimacy than do the partners' technical proficiency or choices of cologne.
...
Regardless of the specific issues addressed, all sexual matters have a tendency to take on an exaggerated importance for a number of reasons. Many people have learned to equate sex with love and feel unloved if they are not treated as sexually desirable by the partner. In addition, men and women alike place sexual matters high on the list of factors that go into determining self-esteem. Finally, in spite of the increasing openness about sexuality in our society, frank and open discussions about sex are difficult for most couples. This silence inhibits problem-solving and allows difficulties or misunderstandings to grow and fester. The overall effect of these factors is to give sexual issues a lot of power and excess meaning. Hopefully, the ideas we will present will help to return sexual problems to a more realistic perspective by demystifying them and rendering them capable of being solved.
Jealousy/Trust
Jealousy and trust issues in relationships have a great deal in common in that both involve one partner's suspecting that the other isn't being completely loyal or truthful. They are also similar in that the person who is the object of the jealous feelings or mistrust cannot remove the problem. Suspiciousness remains that the person who is believed unfaithful or untrustworthy is "just acting” loyal or faithful and acts differently when not being observed.
In order to demonstrate a pattern that represents both trust and jealousy issues, we have chosen the extreme example of a relationship in which an affair has occurred. Some aspects of this pattern are unique to this example and do not apply to all jealousy or trust problems. Many different real or imagined actions can destroy trust, and jealousy certainly isn't always the result of a real indiscretion. Nevertheless, many of the strategies which are effective in dealing with this specific pattern are also helpful for general trust and jealousy issues.
An affair is a very difficult occurrence for a relationship to survive. The hurt and anger that result probably never leave the couple completely. Surviving an affair is much like surviving the death of a loved one, because the relationship as it was prior to the discovery of the affair is forever lost. When a loved one dies, we gradually come to grips with the loss by actively grieving. No one ever completely gets over the hurt, pain, and anguish of the loss of a loved one. What does occur is acceptance of the loss and realization that it will always hurt to some degree. The pain remains, but its intensity can be greatly lessened. Accepting an affair is much the same as coming to grips with a death. The partner who must accept the “loss” needs to experience and express the entire range of emotions associated with the affair.
Unfortunately, the partner who had the affair rarely helps facilitate this "grieving" process. Rather, he or she tries to deal with the situation through minimization, avoidance, and indignation. Believing that the subject will die if it is ignored, he or she never brings the topic up and quickly steers conversation away from it when it is mentioned. When discussion can't be avoided, the importance of the affair is minimized in many ways: “It was only sex, not love;" “It's over, let's get on with our lives;" or "It meant nothing to me."
These strategies usually backfire. The other partner already felt hurt, angry, and betrayed. Now he or she feels dismissed and misunderstood. So he or she brings up the affair even more and more strongly emphasizes how hurtful it was and how detrimental it was to the foundation of trust in the relationship. Any jealousy that was previously present intensifies and feels justified ("I knew you were fooling around, and I was right.")
As the perceived attacks by the hurt partner increase (talking more and more about the affair, emphasizing its significance), the partner who had the affair gets more defensive and indignant (“How long do I have to go on like this?" "When do I stop paying for my crime?"). This person is already defensive since he or she feels guilty. The mistaken belief that the issue of the affair should be resolved more quickly than it has been allows this partner to begin to feel wronged. This leads to more negative emotion and greater distance between the partners. Let's see how this pattern played out in the following example.
Rob and Sarah had been married for about ten years. Rob worked as a chemist, and Sarah as a systems analyst. Their jobs kept them both very busy. Over time, a lack of intimacy and general malaise developed in their relationship. Sarah entered into a sexual relationship with a man with whom she worked. The affair became public knowledge after this man confessed his indiscretion to his wife and told her he wanted a divorce. His wife went to Sarah and her husband's workplace and confronted her. The wife loudly announced her knowledge of the details of the affair. She went to Sarah's boss and almost got Sarah fired. Finally, she called Rob and filled him in, in exquisite detail, on the specifics of Sarah's relationship with her husband.
When Rob's initial rage diminished, he and Sarah decided to see a therapist. They were able to work through a lot of the hurt, anger, and guilt. Their marriage appeared to be back on solid ground.
A few months later, Sarah's job required that she and a number of her colleagues (male and female) attend an out-of-state business meeting. She returned from this outing to a barrage of questions from Rob. He wanted to know with whom she went to meals and how she spent her evenings. In spite of feeling somewhat put upon, Sarah honestly and completely answered his questions.
It didn't end there. More questions and suspicions ensued. Rob seemed to withdraw more and more, and usually involved himself in other activities when Sarah was at home. Sexual contact was nonexistent. On the rare occasions they did talk, the conversation concerned Sarah's activities and whereabouts.
Finally, Sarah became very angry and blasted Rob for his attacks and accusations. She defended her integrity and told Rob she had been giving him no reason to mistrust her. Rob, of course, pulled out his trump card and said, “I can never trust you after what you did." Sarah replied, "What am I supposed to do? That was almost a year ago. Why can't you get over that so we can go on with our lives?"
Rob said that he could never forgive or trust her. He didn't, however, want a divorce. He preferred to live with Sarah as a roommate for reasons of financial convenience. He refused to go back into therapy since he saw no purpose in it.
There are two strategies that are very effective in turning this type of situation around. The first involves frequently encouraging the partner who feels betrayed to express his or her feelings about the affair and for the other partner to listen nondefensively. This strategy accomplishes a number of things. First of all, it allows the partner who is trying to deal with the affair the chance to grieve. All emotions surrounding the issue can be explored, experienced, and understood. This "working through” is key to eventual acceptance.
Minimization and avoidance are also handled by this strategy. The partner who had the affair actively initiates discussion of the affair and its ramifications. The affair is treated as being significant, as are the feelings it has created. The partner dealing with the affair has no need to emphasize to his or her partner how important and painful an issue the affair is since it is already being treated that way.
This strategy also addresses power issues. The person who has to adjust to the idea that his or her partner has had an affair suffers an incredible reduction of power in the relationship ("I have no power if I can't even control whether my partner remains faithful"). By encouraging discussion of the affair, the agenda of the person who feels betrayed is given priority. This restores some of the lost power and control without necessitating a prolonged power struggle.
Another strategy that can be helpful in handling the trust and jealousy issues in this type of situation is having the partner who had the affair provide a detailed account of his or her daily activities before it is requested. A diary should be kept and information presented in mind-numbing detail. Frequent phone calls reporting whereabouts, activities, and companions should also be made.
Although some people feel that such a strategy is demeaning and unreasonable, it serves important functions in breaking destructive patterns and rebuilding trust. Information is presented before it is requested, breaking the questioning-defensiveness cycle. The information overload makes it less likely that accusations of giving partial or incomplete data will be made. Finally, this allows a number of “positives” to accrue to the account of the mistrusted partner, since most, if not all, the activities described will be routine and harmless. In order for this overabundance of information to have the desired effects, it must be presented in a matter-of-fact fashion, with no hint of resentment or sarcasm.
A footnote to both of these strategies is that it should be expected that the issue of the affair will resurface from time to time. This is perfectly normal and should be handled the same way it was initially. The issue does not go away. It gradually recedes into the background.
When Sarah sought therapy, she was at her wits' end and virtually resigned to the fact that her marriage couldn't work. The therapist discussed with Sarah the strategies outlined above and the rationale for them. She made an immediate turnaround and began initiating discussion of the affair. She tried hard to get Rob to express his feelings and she made it clear that she really wanted to understand how he felt. Sarah not only gave Rob a detailed written account of her activities daily, but she also called him once or twice a day to let him know what she was doing.
At first Rob reacted with skepticism. Sarah explained that she realized she had been making things worse and was determined to try to help him work through the residual feelings he had about the affair. Although he was guarded at first, Rob eventually was able to open up and let her know what was bothering him. As expected, Rob began to tire of the discussions and stopped reading Sarah's daily activity logs. Sarah persevered, however, until it was abundantly clear he had had enough. Meanwhile, Rob got used to talking to Sarah again and approached her on subjects other than the affair.
Slowly, their relationship improved to the point where closer and more intimate, in many ways, than before Sarah's affair.
At the time Sarah ended her therapy, the issue had not surfaced, but her therapist prepared her for that possibility, and she felt capable of handling it.
In this section, we presented a pattern which often follows one partner having an affair and used it as an example of how to deal with trust and jealousy issues. The strategies presented were (1) encouraging expression of feelings about the affair; (2) initiating discussion of the affair at every opportunity; (3) keeping an exceptionally detailed diary of daily activities and reporting them to one's partner; and (4) expecting the feelings about the affair to resurface and repeating the three previous strategies when it does.
...
Excerpt from :Overcoming Relationship Impasses: ways to initiate change when your partner won’t help by Barry L. Duncan, PsyD. And Joseph W. Rock, PsyD.
Chapter 6 Sexually Related Problems in Romantic Relationships
Sexual intimacy is obviously an important component of any romantic relationship. Naturally, any facet of a relationship that has assumed such a place of importance is bound to be the focus of problems. And it is. The plethora of books and articles written about sexuality speaks to both the increasing emphasis placed on it in relationships, and the fact that people have a great deal of concern about their sex lives.
In this chapter, we will examine the two most common sexually related difficulties we see in our practices. The first problem to be addressed does not have its basis in the bedroom. It is an issue we call jealousy/trust. Many books about sex have been criticized as how-to manuals due to their focus on the mechanics of sex. However, key aspects of couples' sex lives have little to do with what happens in bed. Quality and quantity of communication, mutual respect, and feelings of emotional safety and trust have much more of an impact on most people's levels of sexual intimacy than do the partners' technical proficiency or choices of cologne.
...
Regardless of the specific issues addressed, all sexual matters have a tendency to take on an exaggerated importance for a number of reasons. Many people have learned to equate sex with love and feel unloved if they are not treated as sexually desirable by the partner. In addition, men and women alike place sexual matters high on the list of factors that go into determining self-esteem. Finally, in spite of the increasing openness about sexuality in our society, frank and open discussions about sex are difficult for most couples. This silence inhibits problem-solving and allows difficulties or misunderstandings to grow and fester. The overall effect of these factors is to give sexual issues a lot of power and excess meaning. Hopefully, the ideas we will present will help to return sexual problems to a more realistic perspective by demystifying them and rendering them capable of being solved.
Jealousy/Trust
Jealousy and trust issues in relationships have a great deal in common in that both involve one partner's suspecting that the other isn't being completely loyal or truthful. They are also similar in that the person who is the object of the jealous feelings or mistrust cannot remove the problem. Suspiciousness remains that the person who is believed unfaithful or untrustworthy is "just acting” loyal or faithful and acts differently when not being observed.
In order to demonstrate a pattern that represents both trust and jealousy issues, we have chosen the extreme example of a relationship in which an affair has occurred. Some aspects of this pattern are unique to this example and do not apply to all jealousy or trust problems. Many different real or imagined actions can destroy trust, and jealousy certainly isn't always the result of a real indiscretion. Nevertheless, many of the strategies which are effective in dealing with this specific pattern are also helpful for general trust and jealousy issues.
An affair is a very difficult occurrence for a relationship to survive. The hurt and anger that result probably never leave the couple completely. Surviving an affair is much like surviving the death of a loved one, because the relationship as it was prior to the discovery of the affair is forever lost. When a loved one dies, we gradually come to grips with the loss by actively grieving. No one ever completely gets over the hurt, pain, and anguish of the loss of a loved one. What does occur is acceptance of the loss and realization that it will always hurt to some degree. The pain remains, but its intensity can be greatly lessened. Accepting an affair is much the same as coming to grips with a death. The partner who must accept the “loss” needs to experience and express the entire range of emotions associated with the affair.
Unfortunately, the partner who had the affair rarely helps facilitate this "grieving" process. Rather, he or she tries to deal with the situation through minimization, avoidance, and indignation. Believing that the subject will die if it is ignored, he or she never brings the topic up and quickly steers conversation away from it when it is mentioned. When discussion can't be avoided, the importance of the affair is minimized in many ways: “It was only sex, not love;" “It's over, let's get on with our lives;" or "It meant nothing to me."
These strategies usually backfire. The other partner already felt hurt, angry, and betrayed. Now he or she feels dismissed and misunderstood. So he or she brings up the affair even more and more strongly emphasizes how hurtful it was and how detrimental it was to the foundation of trust in the relationship. Any jealousy that was previously present intensifies and feels justified ("I knew you were fooling around, and I was right.")
As the perceived attacks by the hurt partner increase (talking more and more about the affair, emphasizing its significance), the partner who had the affair gets more defensive and indignant (“How long do I have to go on like this?" "When do I stop paying for my crime?"). This person is already defensive since he or she feels guilty. The mistaken belief that the issue of the affair should be resolved more quickly than it has been allows this partner to begin to feel wronged. This leads to more negative emotion and greater distance between the partners. Let's see how this pattern played out in the following example.
Rob and Sarah had been married for about ten years. Rob worked as a chemist, and Sarah as a systems analyst. Their jobs kept them both very busy. Over time, a lack of intimacy and general malaise developed in their relationship. Sarah entered into a sexual relationship with a man with whom she worked. The affair became public knowledge after this man confessed his indiscretion to his wife and told her he wanted a divorce. His wife went to Sarah and her husband's workplace and confronted her. The wife loudly announced her knowledge of the details of the affair. She went to Sarah's boss and almost got Sarah fired. Finally, she called Rob and filled him in, in exquisite detail, on the specifics of Sarah's relationship with her husband.
When Rob's initial rage diminished, he and Sarah decided to see a therapist. They were able to work through a lot of the hurt, anger, and guilt. Their marriage appeared to be back on solid ground.
A few months later, Sarah's job required that she and a number of her colleagues (male and female) attend an out-of-state business meeting. She returned from this outing to a barrage of questions from Rob. He wanted to know with whom she went to meals and how she spent her evenings. In spite of feeling somewhat put upon, Sarah honestly and completely answered his questions.
It didn't end there. More questions and suspicions ensued. Rob seemed to withdraw more and more, and usually involved himself in other activities when Sarah was at home. Sexual contact was nonexistent. On the rare occasions they did talk, the conversation concerned Sarah's activities and whereabouts.
Finally, Sarah became very angry and blasted Rob for his attacks and accusations. She defended her integrity and told Rob she had been giving him no reason to mistrust her. Rob, of course, pulled out his trump card and said, “I can never trust you after what you did." Sarah replied, "What am I supposed to do? That was almost a year ago. Why can't you get over that so we can go on with our lives?"
Rob said that he could never forgive or trust her. He didn't, however, want a divorce. He preferred to live with Sarah as a roommate for reasons of financial convenience. He refused to go back into therapy since he saw no purpose in it.
There are two strategies that are very effective in turning this type of situation around. The first involves frequently encouraging the partner who feels betrayed to express his or her feelings about the affair and for the other partner to listen nondefensively. This strategy accomplishes a number of things. First of all, it allows the partner who is trying to deal with the affair the chance to grieve. All emotions surrounding the issue can be explored, experienced, and understood. This "working through” is key to eventual acceptance.
Minimization and avoidance are also handled by this strategy. The partner who had the affair actively initiates discussion of the affair and its ramifications. The affair is treated as being significant, as are the feelings it has created. The partner dealing with the affair has no need to emphasize to his or her partner how important and painful an issue the affair is since it is already being treated that way.
This strategy also addresses power issues. The person who has to adjust to the idea that his or her partner has had an affair suffers an incredible reduction of power in the relationship ("I have no power if I can't even control whether my partner remains faithful"). By encouraging discussion of the affair, the agenda of the person who feels betrayed is given priority. This restores some of the lost power and control without necessitating a prolonged power struggle.
Another strategy that can be helpful in handling the trust and jealousy issues in this type of situation is having the partner who had the affair provide a detailed account of his or her daily activities before it is requested. A diary should be kept and information presented in mind-numbing detail. Frequent phone calls reporting whereabouts, activities, and companions should also be made.
Although some people feel that such a strategy is demeaning and unreasonable, it serves important functions in breaking destructive patterns and rebuilding trust. Information is presented before it is requested, breaking the questioning-defensiveness cycle. The information overload makes it less likely that accusations of giving partial or incomplete data will be made. Finally, this allows a number of “positives” to accrue to the account of the mistrusted partner, since most, if not all, the activities described will be routine and harmless. In order for this overabundance of information to have the desired effects, it must be presented in a matter-of-fact fashion, with no hint of resentment or sarcasm.
A footnote to both of these strategies is that it should be expected that the issue of the affair will resurface from time to time. This is perfectly normal and should be handled the same way it was initially. The issue does not go away. It gradually recedes into the background.
When Sarah sought therapy, she was at her wits' end and virtually resigned to the fact that her marriage couldn't work. The therapist discussed with Sarah the strategies outlined above and the rationale for them. She made an immediate turnaround and began initiating discussion of the affair. She tried hard to get Rob to express his feelings and she made it clear that she really wanted to understand how he felt. Sarah not only gave Rob a detailed written account of her activities daily, but she also called him once or twice a day to let him know what she was doing.
At first Rob reacted with skepticism. Sarah explained that she realized she had been making things worse and was determined to try to help him work through the residual feelings he had about the affair. Although he was guarded at first, Rob eventually was able to open up and let her know what was bothering him. As expected, Rob began to tire of the discussions and stopped reading Sarah's daily activity logs. Sarah persevered, however, until it was abundantly clear he had had enough. Meanwhile, Rob got used to talking to Sarah again and approached her on subjects other than the affair.
Slowly, their relationship improved to the point where closer and more intimate, in many ways, than before Sarah's affair.
At the time Sarah ended her therapy, the issue had not surfaced, but her therapist prepared her for that possibility, and she felt capable of handling it.
In this section, we presented a pattern which often follows one partner having an affair and used it as an example of how to deal with trust and jealousy issues. The strategies presented were (1) encouraging expression of feelings about the affair; (2) initiating discussion of the affair at every opportunity; (3) keeping an exceptionally detailed diary of daily activities and reporting them to one's partner; and (4) expecting the feelings about the affair to resurface and repeating the three previous strategies when it does.
...
Excerpt from :Overcoming Relationship Impasses: ways to initiate change when your partner won’t help by Barry L. Duncan, PsyD. And Joseph W. Rock, PsyD.
Chapter 6 Sexually Related Problems in Romantic Relationships