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Dodge the family "fix" that fixes nothing

10/28/2015

1 Comment

 
How to start actually shifting the family ruts that lead to the same old arguments:

Wake up to the facts

Family patterns have a purpose. They stabilize the emotional system so the family and its members can survive.

The interactions are not about politics, religion, sex, drugs or rock and roll – they are about the intense emotion that is part of every family. 


The problem is not that those arguments are unpleasant. They actually provide temporary relief by discharging tension. The problem is that they do nothing to solve the thorny underlying issues that every family has.

Start by making an honest appraisal of yourself and your role in the family's emotional dynamics. Do you seem to have a need to stir things up - adrenaline "addiction"? Or do you not stand up for yourself appropriately out of fear? 

Make a plan to manage yourself differently
1. Acknowledge that you cannot control the behavior of others – you can only choose to behave differently yourself.

​2. 
Practice taking a step back in less charged situations.
Pause and detach from the stream of sense experience.
Then visualize yourself doing the same at the family gathering.


3. Beef up your ability to tolerate emotional discomfort – yours and others'.
What exactly are you afraid will happen if Mom gets upset?


4. Be curious about yourself and others.
How is it that Aunt Mildred was “elected” to be the one to take care of your cranky grandma?
Why did you have to move six hours away while little Sis can stand to be in the same town with your crazy-making parents?


5. Brainstorm how you can dodge or defuse the situation when you see that same old interaction bearing down on you.
Role play with a friend if necessary:
 “How 'bout them [insert name of football team]?” or, “Sounds like you feel strongly about X!”

6. Above all,  “Don't attack, don't defend, stay connected."
Don't attack or defend: be a non-anxious presence when there is strong emotion.
 
Stay connected - maintain emotionally neutral communication. Silence and withdrawal will always function as emotional reactivity in relationships.

If this resonates for you let's talk further. This is hard work and it can help to have someone in your corner.  Please feel free to call me for a free phone consultation.
1 Comment

Don't Be a "Turkey"!

10/21/2015

1 Comment

 

You know how there are those people in your family who always get into the same argument at Thanksgiving and make everybody uncomfortable?


​Maybe you are a "turkey" in the argument. Maybe you are a "turkey" cringing in the background, or trying to break it up.


Well, it doesn't have to be that way! 


Holidays are a time when this is particularly likely to to occur. Being with family members stirs up emotion, and outside stressors tend to be higher.


Staying away can relieve tension in the short term, but the fact is that with family, you may not be able to live with 'em, but you can't live without 'em either. You're in the family emotional system even if they are all dead.

So how to avoid the short-term “fix” that makes things continue in exactly the same way? How to shift the family permanently so you and everyone can benefit? Click here to find out!

Don't be a turkey and miss out on the unparalleled opportunity that family gatherings provide. There's no better way to ramp up your personal growth and promote family healing!

1 Comment

Triangles: "Let's you and him fight."

10/6/2015

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A two-person system (“dyad”) tolerates little tension and is unstable. A triangle is a three-person system which can contain much more tension because the tension can shift around three relationships. ​


A triangle is more stable than a dyad, but it creates an “odd one out,” which is a very difficult position to tolerate. Anxiety generated by anticipating or being the odd one out is a potent force in triangles.


In calm periods, two people in the triangle are comfortably close “insiders,” and the third person is an uncomfortable “outsider.” The insiders exclude the outsider and the outsider works to get closer to one of them.


If tension develops between the insiders, the most uncomfortable one will move closer to the outsider. One of the original insiders now becomes the new outsider and the original outsider is now an insider. The new outsider will make predictable moves to restore closeness with one of the insiders.


At moderate levels of tension, triangles usually have one side in conflict and two sdes in harmony. The conflict is not inherent in the relationship in which it exists, but reflects the overall functioning of the triangle.


At a high level of tension, the outside position becomes the most desirable. One insider opts for the outside position by getting the current outsider fighting with the other insider. If this is successful, s/he gains the more comfortable position of watching the other two people fight. When the tension and conflict subside, s/he will try to regain an inside position.


If the tension is too high for one triangle to contain, it spreads to a series of “interlocking” triangles. Spreading the tension can stabilize a system, but nothing gets resolved.


People’s actions in a triangle reflect their efforts to ensure their emotional attachments to important others, their reactions to too much intensity in the attachments, and their taking sides in the conflicts of others.

Adapted from http://www.thebowencenter.org/theory/eight-concepts/triangles/




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    Pamela Hanson, M.D. empowers families to move beyond conflict and cultivate truly supportive relationships.

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