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NOTICE AND PAUSE TO MANAGE ANXIETY AND ANGER

11/9/2021

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Have you ever seen a toddler have a meltdown in the grocery store? Or maybe it was your toddler? It's embarrassing for everybody!

Why does that happen?

​And why do teenagers have so much drama? 


These questions are related, and by understanding what's behind this, we can respond in ways that minimize angry tantrums at any age.

Emotions, including anger and anxiety or fear, are an extremely important part of life, giving us essential information about threats and opportunities, but they need to be properly channeled and managed by the thinking system of the brain. We can call this “emotional regulation,” and newborns begin learning this from their parents from the moment of birth. The parents or caregivers are the “master regulators” for the family, so they need to continuously develop this ability in themselves. 

Sometimes parents may not have gotten enough of this themselves growing up, but we'll be talking about practical steps to move yourself along no matter what level you are at.

Regulating is what a thermostat does, keeping the heat or air conditioning at a level that is healthy and comfortable. We don't want to have the heat cranked up too high, or not have any heat at all! Without emotions we wouldn't be able to connect to others or make decisions (people with brain damage in the emotional system can't make decisions.) 

We need the information and motivation that emotions provide, but it's not good if they run the show. The thinking system needs to process the information, while sending calming messages back down to regulate the emotions.

Sometimes it seems like we don't have any control over this, and we behave in ways that we later regret. I think of the old line by comedian Flip Wilson, “The Devil made me do it!” It does feel like a powerful outside force is to blame.

But that powerful force is not “the Devil,” but rather our strong, deep, biological drives to survive and reproduce. Our society has tended to minimize the role of emotions and to focus on thinking, but actually the thinking system developed much later than the emotional system. ​​


The base of the palm is the brainstem at the back of the head, the “lizard brain.” 


The thumb folded in is the limbic system, the “squirrel brain,” responsible for emotions. 


The fingers are the cortex, the “human brain,” that wraps around the emotional system. 


If the thinking system is offline, with fingers detached, we call that “flipping our lid.”
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Babies, of course, don't have much of a thinking system, so how do they learn to manage emotions? The parents or caregivers lend them some of their own calm and emotional regulation.

You've probably seen a toddler fall down and look at its mother to know whether to cry or not. Even as adults we look for social cues on how to respond – for example when someone makes a remark and we don't know whether to take it seriously. Calendar Girls bake-off If one person takes it as a joke and starts to laugh, the others will usually follow suit.

So what are some ways to keep the adult thinking system in contact with the emotional system, so we can avoid angry outbursts and tantrums in ourselves and others?

The first step is to notice that emotions are arising and briefly pause, so we can choose a action rather than being swept away. King Solomon recognized this about 3000 years ago in the Biblical Book of Proverbs, chapter 15, verse 1, when he wrote, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” We've all been told to count to 10 when we are angry. 

When we start, it may only be afterwards that we notice that emotions were out of control. In that case, look back and identified what triggered the emotions, and make a plan for the next time a similar situation occurs. “When we get home from vacation tired and cranky, I will be alert to the possibility of a fight and will go to the basement first thing to start the laundry.” 

As we practice, we may start to notice in the middle of reacting with anger, at which point we can have a plan to say, “Whoa, I see I'm getting upset here, I'm going to take 5 minutes to calm down and I'll get back to you.” 

Eventually we can get to the point of noticing before the reaction starts, and use internal or external resources to help regulate our own emotions so we can get better results.

With babies, we feed and change them to remove sources of physical discomfort. The same thing is a good idea for adults – in 12-Step recovery programs they say “Don't get too hungry, angry, lonely or tired” - H.A.L.T. All of those things trigger messages of physical or relational threat which fuel the fires of emotion – anger and anxiety. 

With toddlers, we lend them our own calm and soothe their emotional distress with human connection. We hug them when they hurt themselves and offer to kiss the boo-boo and make it better. This is another deep bit of folk wisdom. Hugging releases the feel-good hormone oxytocin. The child's mirror neurons receive the transmission of our calmness. Kissing the boo-boo leverages the bond of love and trust between parent and child. The child feels heard and understood, which soothes the emotional pain triggered by the physical pain. We can get a hug or reassurance from someone else to “borrow” some calm from them. We can even hug ourselves or place a hand on our own heart to release some oxytocin.

When 7-year-old Joel was having his cast removed, he asked for something to look at while they were doing it. Already at seven he grasped the usefulness of distraction. We've all done this to manage physical or emotional pain in the short-term. Blistering expletives distract from a stubbed toe, or a bowl of ice cream temporarily distracts from emotional pain. 

Meditation and mindfulness techniques can be very useful resources when emotions rise. A good process is sitting with both feet on the ground, locating the emotion in the body, identifying the category of emotion, and permitting it to be present and to move on. 

Finally, we can use the thinking system itself to dampen the waves of emotions, because although emotions are a primary message about threats or opportunities, they can be perpetuated or aggravated by habitual negative thought patterns that we all have. We can use therapy or a process like Albert Ellis's Rational Emotive Behavioral Training to choose better thoughts.

In conclusion, if we NOTICE AND PAUSE so we can choose a helpful response, and avoid flipping our lids with angry outbursts, we will get better relationships and results in our lives, while showing others the right way to manage ourselves.
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Things to consider about family relationships since the election

12/9/2016

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The campaign season was brutal and with a lot of strong feelings on both sides. The campaign is over, but the difficult feelings and relationships may be the same or even worse. How to move forward?

Question: My parents and I supported opposing candidates in the election. In the past they have been babysitters for my children, and in this holiday season it would be of great practical help to have them do it again, but I am concerned about the difference in our political views and what kind of influence that would be on my children.

Answer: This is an excellent question and a very legitimate concern. Here are some things to consider as you make this decision.

1. Think about the results when they have babysat in the past.
Were you already iffy about having them babysit? It may be wise not to put this pressure on something you already considered shaky. For example, Carol noticed that whenever her daughter Sally had spent time with her aunt, she seemed to get into a fight with a sibling or friend shortly afterward. Carol was concerned that Sally was getting the idea it was OK to behave or speak in inappropriate ways. She decided to have Sally's visits with her aunt be during non-stressful seasons when she could monitor things better.

On the other hand, sometimes history tells you that you really don't have a reason to worry.

Do you see that your parents have been building strong relationships with your children over the years? It may be an important message for your children to receive that family bonds transcend differences in views and opinions. Matthew knew his father had different opinions, but Granddad was able to voice his own opinions and feelings as “I-messages” without attacking the character of those who held a different position, and so Matthew thought the benefit to his kids outweighed the differences in viewpoint.

2. Consider that you have been teaching your children daily all their lives.
Can you have some confidence in the upbringing you are giving them, and in the character and principles they are developing?

Rob and Karen had worked hard to define their own individual desires, principles and goals, recognizing and taking emotion into account but not being controlled by it. They used the election season as another opportunity to point out examples of emotional vs thinking-based decisions, and they felt confident that the good foundation they had been giving their kids would survive contact with any reactive emotionality their kids might encounter in family members.

At a family celebration, as his brother was “going off” about groups of people he looked down on, Rob was stunned to hear his teenager neatly defuse the uncomfortable situation by saying, “Gee, Uncle Greg, they've really got you tweaked!” Greg spluttered into silence and everyone breathed a sigh of relief!

3. Finally, know that children do best when connected to as many family members as possible.
This gives a base of emotional connection and the resource of a range of viewpoints and approaches for them to havenow and throughout their lives.

Even if the interactions seem “negative,” as long as there is no actual danger, anxiety is lowered and coping ability tends to be higher by maintaining contact.

This is true for everyone - extended social networks increase our overall resiliency and mental health - but especially important for children as they grow and develop in a complex world.

Angela struggled to cope as a single parent. Her mother tended to be quite critical of Angela's choices, and their interactions often had a negative tone, but Angela had less conflict with her kids than when there was “cut off” between her and her mother, and her mother had less hypochondriacal complaints.

What Angela came to see is that the relationship between her daughter and her mother was actually a strengthening and healing factor for the whole family, when she allowed herself to trust it and let it develop naturally.

Ultimately the answer as to how you want your children to interact with extended family members with whom you have difficult feelings and strained relationships will depend entirely on the family dynamics of your unique situation. Remember, however, that if you think things through carefully and trust your own inner sense of knowing you will come to the right decision.

And if you need more help navigating this or other difficult family issues, please know I am here to help. Sometime a supportive atmosphere and a listening ear with expertise in these matters can help you find healing and solutions that you didn't even think were possible. I am here to help. Give me a call to discuss private therapy options if you are in need of a little extra support.
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5 Tips to Prepare your Child to Succeed in Freshman Year 

4/25/2016

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5 Tips to Prepare your Child to Succeed: Freshman Year in College
Act now to foster a clean launch! You can promote ongoing connection, and avoid the messy “tearing away” that leads to emotional distance.
1. Stamp out freshman cluelessness – for your child and his/her future spouse
Start this one today! Put him in charge of his own laundry, bank account and credit card. Teach him how to cook a few things and how to navigate public transportation. Resist the impulse to step in and fix things, and you help empower him to handle life efficiently when he IS on his own.

2. Restrain Yourself: Lean Back and Listen
Tolerate your child's distress and be a non-anxious resource by brushing up on your reflective listening. Check your understanding of what she is thinking and feeling by reflecting back both the thought and the emotion, in a tentative way:
        “Sounds like you’re upset because you don't think your grade is fair?”
        “So you're saying you're concerned, because you believe your roommate doesn't like you?”
        “Let me see if I've got this. You're mad because your Dad is pushing you to take more Math courses next semester?”
You'll be amazed at how much more she will share. She'll be calmer and so will you, and you'll have more information to help discern when something is beyond her ability to solve.

3. Take care of unfinished business – in your own life
Freshmen often report feeling overwhelmed trying to keep up with new challenges and responsibilities.
Model your own commitment to avoid unfinished business. Waiting to return a phone call, finish a task or have a difficult conversation can create a slippery slope towards chaos and resentment. Handle things now and gently encourage your child to do the same, for better relationships and more success.

4. Use humor to practice lighthearted resistance to peer pressure
Your child will have opportunities to get involved in harmful things, from drinking and drugs to unhealthy relationships. Have some fun modeling resistance by practicing an offer of “The Yuckiest Vegetable,” so she’ll have phrases ready to roll off her lips when she encounters more difficult pressure.

It’s fun to practice responses when the pressure is: “If you loved me you'd eat Brussels sprouts!”  “No one will ever find out that you ate Brussels sprouts!” “All the cool people eat Brussels sprouts!” She may roll her eyes, but she’ll remember how to say “No, thanks. I’m not into that” in a difficult moment.

5. Get a life-- and make sure your child knows about it.
It's normal for change to produce anxiety in the family. Though wanting to move on with his life, your child may unconsciously worry if you'll be OK, and this misplaced worry often manifests as symptoms of anxiety or depression.

If you have purpose and direction for this next stage of your life, he won't be faced with a choice between tearing away or failing to fully mature. Your connection will become much deeper and richer as you both bring your expanding selves to it. Focusing on yourself during this time can actually bring the greatest benefit to your child!

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Family gatherings: from guilt or resentment to celebration

11/23/2015

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Thanksgiving and and other family gatherings serve to reinforce the bonds of connection that the members have with each other.

These connections can feel like shackles or like life-giving supply lines.

If the approaching gathering fills you more with dread than pleasurable anticipation, it may be that fear of loss is more predominant in the family than confidence in connection.

Shifting from fear to confidence is a gradual process that won't be complete by next week, but you can start it now, and each family gathering that comes along will allow you to practice new approaches and observe the changes that result. Here are 5 things to think about.

  1. Should I attend this family gathering? If you feel your choice is between guilt for not going and resentment for being pressured to attend, pick the guilt. The guilt is a false guilt, while the resentment is genuine.
  2. If you decide to go, with or without resentment, use the opportunity to
    a. observe family process and
    b. pause before responding when you feel stressed by family interactions
  3. Afterwards, take what you've observed, review past interactions and see what patterns start to emerge.
  4. Start working on a one-to-one relationship with one or more family members. Remember, easy does it. If it seems too overwhelming with a particular person, pick a relationship where it isn't quite as charged. Whoever you pick, find a comfortable connection with an activity or conversation about safe issues.
  5. Keep doing this all year until the next gathering, and be alert for shifts in the family interaction patterns day-to-day and at get-togethers. The shifts, including those within yourself, may be subtle and go unnoticed if you are not paying attention.
It's terribly confusing when the connection we legitimately need in order to live feels like it's choking the life out of us.

But there is hope to break the stranglehold and allow the love and support to flow freely.

Then the gathering can be a celebration instead of a grim duty!

If this resonates and you want a coach in your corner when working to shift these entrenched patterns, contact me for a free phone consultation. 
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Dodge the family "fix" that fixes nothing

10/28/2015

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How to start actually shifting the family ruts that lead to the same old arguments:

Wake up to the facts

Family patterns have a purpose. They stabilize the emotional system so the family and its members can survive.

The interactions are not about politics, religion, sex, drugs or rock and roll – they are about the intense emotion that is part of every family. 


The problem is not that those arguments are unpleasant. They actually provide temporary relief by discharging tension. The problem is that they do nothing to solve the thorny underlying issues that every family has.

Start by making an honest appraisal of yourself and your role in the family's emotional dynamics. Do you seem to have a need to stir things up - adrenaline "addiction"? Or do you not stand up for yourself appropriately out of fear? 

Make a plan to manage yourself differently
1. Acknowledge that you cannot control the behavior of others – you can only choose to behave differently yourself.

​2. 
Practice taking a step back in less charged situations.
Pause and detach from the stream of sense experience.
Then visualize yourself doing the same at the family gathering.


3. Beef up your ability to tolerate emotional discomfort – yours and others'.
What exactly are you afraid will happen if Mom gets upset?


4. Be curious about yourself and others.
How is it that Aunt Mildred was “elected” to be the one to take care of your cranky grandma?
Why did you have to move six hours away while little Sis can stand to be in the same town with your crazy-making parents?


5. Brainstorm how you can dodge or defuse the situation when you see that same old interaction bearing down on you.
Role play with a friend if necessary:
 “How 'bout them [insert name of football team]?” or, “Sounds like you feel strongly about X!”

6. Above all,  “Don't attack, don't defend, stay connected."
Don't attack or defend: be a non-anxious presence when there is strong emotion.
 
Stay connected - maintain emotionally neutral communication. Silence and withdrawal will always function as emotional reactivity in relationships.

If this resonates for you let's talk further. This is hard work and it can help to have someone in your corner.  Please feel free to call me for a free phone consultation.
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Don't Be a "Turkey"!

10/21/2015

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You know how there are those people in your family who always get into the same argument at Thanksgiving and make everybody uncomfortable?


​Maybe you are a "turkey" in the argument. Maybe you are a "turkey" cringing in the background, or trying to break it up.


Well, it doesn't have to be that way! 


Holidays are a time when this is particularly likely to to occur. Being with family members stirs up emotion, and outside stressors tend to be higher.


Staying away can relieve tension in the short term, but the fact is that with family, you may not be able to live with 'em, but you can't live without 'em either. You're in the family emotional system even if they are all dead.

So how to avoid the short-term “fix” that makes things continue in exactly the same way? How to shift the family permanently so you and everyone can benefit? Click here to find out!

Don't be a turkey and miss out on the unparalleled opportunity that family gatherings provide. There's no better way to ramp up your personal growth and promote family healing!

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Triangles: "Let's you and him fight."

10/6/2015

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A two-person system (“dyad”) tolerates little tension and is unstable. A triangle is a three-person system which can contain much more tension because the tension can shift around three relationships. ​


A triangle is more stable than a dyad, but it creates an “odd one out,” which is a very difficult position to tolerate. Anxiety generated by anticipating or being the odd one out is a potent force in triangles.


In calm periods, two people in the triangle are comfortably close “insiders,” and the third person is an uncomfortable “outsider.” The insiders exclude the outsider and the outsider works to get closer to one of them.


If tension develops between the insiders, the most uncomfortable one will move closer to the outsider. One of the original insiders now becomes the new outsider and the original outsider is now an insider. The new outsider will make predictable moves to restore closeness with one of the insiders.


At moderate levels of tension, triangles usually have one side in conflict and two sdes in harmony. The conflict is not inherent in the relationship in which it exists, but reflects the overall functioning of the triangle.


At a high level of tension, the outside position becomes the most desirable. One insider opts for the outside position by getting the current outsider fighting with the other insider. If this is successful, s/he gains the more comfortable position of watching the other two people fight. When the tension and conflict subside, s/he will try to regain an inside position.


If the tension is too high for one triangle to contain, it spreads to a series of “interlocking” triangles. Spreading the tension can stabilize a system, but nothing gets resolved.


People’s actions in a triangle reflect their efforts to ensure their emotional attachments to important others, their reactions to too much intensity in the attachments, and their taking sides in the conflicts of others.

Adapted from http://www.thebowencenter.org/theory/eight-concepts/triangles/




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The Family Map

9/30/2015

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Just understanding who's related to us can be tricky. The little girls in the cartoon are part of a long history of complicated families. Imagine trying to figure out King Solomon's family!!

But there is hope - a family map can allow us to grasp complexity at a glance.

Beyond that, it can open a window into family dynamics that trip us up.

The family is more than a collection of individuals.

It is a living organism: the multigenerational family emotional system.
​

Individuals are born and die, but a family’s past lives in the present, transmitted through the generations via interlocking relationship “triangles.”

The family map shows this graphically to allow us to detect patterns that are influencing our lives.

Once aware of these patterns we can begin to shift problematic thoughts and behaviors and to find life-giving alternatives for ourselves and our families.

No matter the issue or problem, whether anxiety, depression, addictions, child behavior problems, relationship conflicts, even physical illness, exploration of the family emotional system will shed light and guide action.

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    Pamela Hanson, M.D. empowers families to move beyond conflict and cultivate truly supportive relationships.

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